[rating=4]

I… am… Beowulf…

It’s not surprising that “Beowulf” is infused with a healthy dose of sarcasm. After all, the screenplay is written by Neil Gaiman (the sly English fantasy writer of the cult fave “Sandman” graphic novels) and Roger Avary (co-writer of “Pulp Fiction”). To expect a straightforward narrative from them is like adding E to your girlfriend’s drink and then expecting her to act normal in front of your parents.  Throw in director Robert Zemeckis to the combination (he of “Roger Rabbit” and “Back to the Future” fame), and there’s no way things can go wrong, right?

Almost. Apart from the subtle mockery of the fantasy genre and the ‘heroic quest’ staple that runs through “Beowulf”‘s plot (the hero proclaims numerous times, in a gruff voice, flexing his biceps, that he is Beowulf, “here to kill your mon-stah” – the irony is evident), there’s unfortunately not that much originality in the film. Once I realized, half-way through, that the story wasn’t going to expand beyond its 700 A.D. source’s – the poem’s – limitations, I got a bit depressed.  The self-aware winks certainly enliven the material, but there’s no escaping the fact that it’s a straightforward, simple tale, no matter how hard one tries to spice it up visually.

That’s not to say “Beowulf” isn’t worth a look. It’s got spectacular eye-candy. The people look much more realistic than they did in the uncanny “Polar Express”. Several sequences particularly stun with the wild imagination on display: the heroic Geatsman defending King Hrothgar’s (Anthony Hopkins) Danish court from the horrific mon-stah Grendel (Crispin Glover); fighting off mon-stahs of the sea; encountering the sexy mon-stah that looks just like Angelina Jolie… with a tail, and heels instead of feet; or fighting off a mon-stah dragon at the end.

I liked the ferocity with which the film plunges into its gratuitous violence (the MPAA has got to be crazy to give this film the PG-13 stamp: limbs are flying all over the place!) I liked the gloomy, ancient tone. I liked how Beowulf is ultimately portrayed as a man as weak as the rest of us, letting his testosterone overshadow the stoic bravery, surrendering to Angie’s sexuality. The satire is all Gaiman, the mixture of humor and violence is pure Avary.

And yet, despite all the bombast, “Beowulf” left me unfulfilled. Perhaps it’s because of my affinity towards the writers (Gaiman in particular), and the fact that my expectations were so high. I remember reading an article, in which Gaiman remarked upon his conversation with Zemeckis. It went something like this: Gaiman wasn’t sure whether to include a super-expensive sequence in the script. He called Zemeckis, who told him to go ahead and write whatever he wanted, because there was nothing that could cost more than $1 million a minute to shoot.

Maybe it’s the money that got to them. So pumped by the opportunity to impress visually, it’s almost like they forgot that there has to be a truly spectacular story to supplement the top-notch imagery.